What more is to say? I lost my cool... I was under pressure and I didn't, I couldn't handle it well. Like a huge wave of emotions just crashing down in a few seconds. She didn't listen to. Wasn't trying to listen to me. I know so much that it doesn't excuse my behavior but something inside just snapped like a twig. Probably my morality cracked like a twig under a shoe. She walked away, I was yelling, she started yelling and I punched the door. Just as she was walking back towards me. After that it was just a haze. Not the bad kind just me walking upstairs feeling so pissed off, so angry at her. I slammed the bedroom door and just sat on the bed thinking what the hell did I just do.
Times like these I wish, I just wish I had someone to talk to. Someone to just listen. But instead I get the silence. I tried to talk to her afterwards. It's always about something that annoyed her. Her emotions clouding her judgement like it always is. She just decides. Nothing else to it. If she thinks it's right then it is. I don't know, something about being her needing to be right all the time.
On the edge of something terrible right now.. and I don't know how it's going to end.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Good....bye?
Want me to tell you a little story?
See there was this girl who didn't like/trust this guys friend. Obviously something was going on when every time something between them erupts into an argument he talks to the friend. It wasn't at all like her talking to her friends because the guys' friend was a girl. Because that makes all the difference in the world.
I didn't mean for us to say goodbye like this or to say goodbye at all. I'm trying my hardest to make this work between her and I. It was a choice, a difficult one, but a choice nonetheless. Her or you. Obviously with kids in the picture the choice didn't seem so hard, on paper. Reality does bite and it bites hard. Like when there's no one else to talk to, when there's spare time usually spent rambling on about the last time we hung out but instead just staring at a blank wall. Times like that I wish I had my best friend back..
I promised myself that I'd send you something, that I would talk to you about it, try to make you understand but it's just too hard. How can I say goodbye when I can't bear the thought of losing you my best and only friend? You were the one who helped me get back on the right path when all I could see was the end. The dark and creepy blackness. Remember that letter I wrote for you when it was our last goodbye? When you read it you cried? I'm kind of hoping for the same reaction here. Only instead of crying, laughter. I want you to remember the good times. I seriously am sorry for the lack of trying to tell you about all this earlier. I wish I could. Maybe it would've been easier.
Maybe not..
See there was this girl who didn't like/trust this guys friend. Obviously something was going on when every time something between them erupts into an argument he talks to the friend. It wasn't at all like her talking to her friends because the guys' friend was a girl. Because that makes all the difference in the world.
I didn't mean for us to say goodbye like this or to say goodbye at all. I'm trying my hardest to make this work between her and I. It was a choice, a difficult one, but a choice nonetheless. Her or you. Obviously with kids in the picture the choice didn't seem so hard, on paper. Reality does bite and it bites hard. Like when there's no one else to talk to, when there's spare time usually spent rambling on about the last time we hung out but instead just staring at a blank wall. Times like that I wish I had my best friend back..
I promised myself that I'd send you something, that I would talk to you about it, try to make you understand but it's just too hard. How can I say goodbye when I can't bear the thought of losing you my best and only friend? You were the one who helped me get back on the right path when all I could see was the end. The dark and creepy blackness. Remember that letter I wrote for you when it was our last goodbye? When you read it you cried? I'm kind of hoping for the same reaction here. Only instead of crying, laughter. I want you to remember the good times. I seriously am sorry for the lack of trying to tell you about all this earlier. I wish I could. Maybe it would've been easier.
Maybe not..
Friday, December 21, 2012
Its time like these..
I wish sometimes I had all the answers. Or at least mind reading powers. It's like she doesn't care enough to talk to me about anything. Does she want us to talk? I wouldn't know because she just walks away. I try to talk to her about problems but it's like she doesn't want to hear it. I really am trying here but everytime I try to talk to her she either says that I'm not listening or she starts to walk away and lies in the bed and tells me shes going to sleep because she's tired. V_V' What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to relate to anything or even have the faintest idea about how our relationship is going when it's all one sided? I feel like I'm at the end of my ropes here and I'm just grasping thin air.
What's worse is that I get pushed into taking care of the kids more and more and it's starting to get frustrating because I already feel inadequate when it comes to parenting. I feel like I'm doing a bad job of things and that I'm really self doubting myself at the moment so that doesn't help at all. I feel so pressured right now to find work... to be all happy and feel proud of the kids (which I am)... to study... to make sure the house is clean ... look after the kids... make sure everything is alright with everyone. I just.. I don't think I'm gonna last long if this keeps up. I feel my sanity slipping away.. I'm so depressed and feel alone right now and I suppose part of me feels like its normal.. but a part of it just feels it's wrong.
I just want to scream but I can't. *sigh....
depressed,
C
What's worse is that I get pushed into taking care of the kids more and more and it's starting to get frustrating because I already feel inadequate when it comes to parenting. I feel like I'm doing a bad job of things and that I'm really self doubting myself at the moment so that doesn't help at all. I feel so pressured right now to find work... to be all happy and feel proud of the kids (which I am)... to study... to make sure the house is clean ... look after the kids... make sure everything is alright with everyone. I just.. I don't think I'm gonna last long if this keeps up. I feel my sanity slipping away.. I'm so depressed and feel alone right now and I suppose part of me feels like its normal.. but a part of it just feels it's wrong.
I just want to scream but I can't. *sigh....
depressed,
C
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